I got up, took a shower, made myself coffee.
I kept telling myself, you know,
"I'll wake her up after I do this or this little step..."
No, that's not true really.
I knew I was going to delay waking her up for as long as possible.
What was it you really wanted?
I wanted her, same as always, I wanted her to disappear.
I wanted her to be the hell out of there.
And she got the hell out of there.
She took the hint.
She woke up, you were fully dressed, ready to go to work.
More or less, yeah. She took the hint.
And yet, just the night before...
And you wanted her very badly?
Yeah.
I know.
Really badly.
He can stretch himself.
He can stretch himself from here to Ethiopia if he wanted to.
No. We said "him" already.
No, no, no. The rubber man.
He's the last of the Fantastic Four that we've been searching for all evening.
The missing link, yes?
No. We already said him.
Oh, look. There's a taxi. Taxi!
We are not in need of coach service, my lady.
This is my kingdom, and my palace is but two blocks from here.
- Come on. - Be off!
God damn, you fuck your mind! Cocksuckers!
- Be off! - Be off!
Cocksuckers! Fuck you!
Fireball.
And the one that's made of big brown stones.
That's Brownstone Man.
No. That's not his name. It's lighter brown.
God, the telephone company.
How can I take home a girl who works for the telephone company?
Go on. Go home.
I'm the Director of Personnel.
She hires those incompetents. Oh, no!
What do you do, Mr. Wise Guy?
Literature.
Yes.
You play chess?
Yeah, excellently.
And checkmate.
Does that mean you win?
A fucking bat!
All right, now. Just relax.
Oh, right.
Shit.
"Shoo?"
There's a...
Never mind.
Did you get it out?
Let's go.
If I'd known you had a fucking roommate...
Taxi!
Alva. Alva.
Yes, Mr. Loew.
All right, Frank Heatherton wants a copy of the first contract he had
for the sale of his short story,
Rattlesnake Hills,
to Der Spiegel.
It seems that's the first foreign sale he's ever had
and suddenly he wants to frame the agreement.
Now, the story was sold in 1963,
and I know that's a long time before either I was here or you were here,
but there is no reason why the agency shouldn't have a copy of it.
I already looked in the files under "Heatherton."
I looked under "Rattlesnake Hills,"
but I am asking you to go through the entire Der Spiegel file
because that is a very fat file
and nothing is in order and it will take hours.
But it will be there.
Somewhere.
Please find it and bring it to me.
Yes, Mr. Loew.
Peter, Joel Reznick on 02.
Mr. Loew?
Mr. Loew, are you there?
Starting with your earliest years
when you somehow were taught to expect
something that wasn't even halfway attainable.
Peter.
Well, I guess my time is up.
No, no, no, we have a couple more minutes.
You know, lately,
you have always been telling me when our time is up.
And I just wonder if maybe...
Does it make you feel a little insecure when I'm saying...
Well, what?
Nothing. Nothing. I was remembering...
I brought this girl up to my place the other night.
Really hot, you know. And we're on the bed.
Suddenly, this bat comes swooping down out of nowhere.
A bat?
Holy shit.
But this really happened. But the part...
This part, I don't know if this really happened
or I dreamt it later or what.
I mean, I'm fighting this bat off all alone,
and I'll be damned if I didn't get really turned on.
You were aroused?
Yeah.
But you said just a few seconds before you were in the throes of passion.
- Yeah, I know. - So, then you were aroused.
With the girl?
Well, yes, with the girl.
Oh, sure. Yes. Absolutely.
But then she left the room and I was...
I mean, I came down.
You know, I was in mortal combat with a fucking bat! Give me a break.
Wait.
You were fighting off the bat
and that's when you had this new feeling?
Then, yes. That is the precise order of events.
And on that note...
Yes. I'll see you on Tuesday.
Bye bye.
Alva, I didn't see... Did you find that Heatherton contract?
Well, I checked in the back files under "Heatherton"
and "Rattlesnake Hills," like you said.
But I couldn't find it.
I guess I'm gonna have to look under the Der Spiegel files.
Alva, I told you that I already checked those files.
I already checked them.
Sorry. I must have misunderstood. I'm gonna get right to it.
I don't know. Maybe.
I really believe it.
It's inconceivable to me that you liked that. It's not funny.
Inconceivable? Jesus Christ.
I must be a real disappointment to you.
My name's Harold. What's yours?
I don't save the same amount I put in the other account.
Let's say I put $2,000 in the IRA.
Now, that doesn't mean I'm gonna save $2,000 at income tax time.
It's more like $700. Right, Peter?
- Yes. - Yeah.
Plus, I get interest on the $2,000 in the other account.
Who would be interested?
The Carpenters in Raise High The Roofbeam.
Did you get that joke?
No.
I love your earrings.
Thank you.
I'm Peter Loew.
Rachel.
Oh, Rachel.
God!
Okay. Okay. Okay.
Yes.
Oh, yes.
Who are you?
It's all right.
You chose me.
What a glorious Sunday.
How nice not to have to go in to work.
No comments on my coffee, please.
If you don't like it, I'll send out.
I do it all the time.
Well, do you like it?
I gotta take a piss.
Hello, you have reached Peter.
I am not in at the moment,
but if you leave your name, your number and a brief message,
I'll get back to you just as soon as I can.
Thank you.
Yeah? Well, you can forget about getting back to this girl.
You son of a bitch!
You don't just walk out on somebody like that, you bastard!
Don't you ever call me again.
You fuck! Fuck you!
Yeah, well, fuck you, too, sister.
So...
How was your weekend?
It was all right, you know.
It was nothing earth-shattering.
Did you hurt yourself?
Just cut myself shaving.
Well, Peter,
why don't we begin where we left off last week?
You started to tell me about this strange feeling you had
when this bat flew through the window of your apartment.
The feeling of exultation that you experienced.
See, you made it sound as though it were something more than sexual.
I don't really know what you're talking about. I don't remember.
Well, you were very sure about it last weekend.
It made a very strong impression.
Oh, yes. Okay. I know.
I guess I was pretty horny.
Pretty keyed up from being with the girl right before.
I was drunk, too.
That was it.
I'd had a little to drink.
I was a little drunk.
Plus I was horny.
And have you seen this girl again?
No.
Peter, Frank Heatherton on 03.
All right. And, Judy, send Alva in here right now.
Yes, Mr. Loew.
All right, Alva. That's Frank Heatherton on the phone.
For me.
Now, I'm sure he's calling about the Der Spiegel contract,
which he still hasn't gotten a copy of.
How do I know he hasn't gotten a copy of it?
Because I haven't sent it to him. Why haven't I sent it to him?
Because you haven't found it and brought it to me yet!
Now it's fucking Tuesday, and I still don't see it here on my desk.
I don't see it here. Do you?
Alva? No!
Well, I'm going through the files, Mr. Loew.
But I have a million other things to do.
Now, I just want you to be here
and listen to the song and dance that I have to do.
That I have to do because you haven't done your job.
Ready?
Yeah, hi, Frank. How are you?
Hello, Peter. I'm just fine, thanks.
Hey, listen, I won't hold you.
I just wanted to say, about that letter I sent,
you know, requesting the copy of Rattlesnake Hills sale to Der Spiegel.
There is absolutely no rush on that.
I know it's an old contract.
It's gonna take some digging.
I'm sure you and your girls got better things to do, huh?
Anyway, look, I'm in the middle of moving, so take your time.
I'll give you a call when I'm all settled in. Okay?
Yeah, okay, Frank.
So, how's things with you? Life treating you well?
Yeah, Frank.
Good. Well, take care, old buddy.
All right. Bye bye, Frank.
Yeah, bye.
Well...
Seems I didn't have to do a song and dance after all, Alva.
As you could hear, I couldn't get a word in edgewise.
Mr. Heatherton is boiling mad.
And he has implied that if he doesn't get that copy within the week,
he will terminate his agreement with our agency
and sign up with a more efficient one.
Am I getting through to you, Alva?
I'll go right to it, Mr. Loew.
Judy, I'll be out for the rest of the day.
- Two. - Yeah.
Hey, do I get waited on today or what? I've been sitting here for 15 minutes.
Right away, sir. Right away.
And then, he took me on one of those horse-and-carriage rides.
You're kidding.
And in the middle of it, he asked me.
- He asked you what? - To marry him.
Fucking greasehole!
Are you all right, sir? Sure? Are you?
-Hello. - Dr. Glaser.
You have reached the office of Dr. Dorothy Glaser.
Please leave your name...
Hello?
Jackie?
Yeah?
Jackie, don't hang up, please. This is Peter.
I want to explain about the other day. There was a reason...
I had a very good reason for doing what I did.
I...
Look, you know I'm very fond of you. I didn't mean to hurt you. It was...
It was some illness.
Listen, I feel funny talking on the phone about this.
Better be a hell of a good reason.
Let's meet. Can you? Tonight?
You wanna get together tonight? Meet somewhere?
Well, I can't for a couple of hours.
Fine. Fine.
Let's just say 9:00. Mondo Cane.
All right.
9:00.
Great. Great. Okay. I'll see you then.
Bye bye.
Who's there?
Who is it?
He is wondering,
"How did she get in here?"
And he is realizing
that he let her in, as she is his lover.
His most passionate mistress.
And he is realizing
that she is a jealous mistress.
Yes.
Alva.
Alva!
There you are!
I'm looking for it, Mr. Loew. I'm looking!
What the hell is he doing in here?
I have a gun.
If you hurt me, I'm gonna use it.
What the fuck is going on?
I don't know, I mean...
I'm doing all I can. Maybe the contract was lost.
Don't come near me!
I'm telling Mr. Langdon about this.
And I swear I'm gonna use my gun if you ever touch me.
Just once.
No. No, Alva, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean...
I'm sorry.
You all right, honey?
Yeah.
Nothing like a little office trauma to keep things interesting.
The chase was my favorite part.
Pete hurdling over those desks.
Well, you weren't there for the grand finale.
She asked me for a raise. Can you believe it?
She actually does keep a gun in that little bag of hers.
- Get out of here. - No, really!
Well, she takes the subway into Pelham every night, I don't blame the kid.
She asked me for a raise for getting chased into the ladies' room.
Well, I think she deserves it, Sidney.
You can take it out of Attila's paycheck.
Fuck you!
One question, Peter.
Is my name written anywhere on the bathroom wall, and what did it say?
What is happening to me?
I had a difficult day yesterday.
Got a little upset
at the office.
Do you want to talk about it?
Well, it's just, there's this contract we're trying to locate.
Shouldn't...
If a company...
If a literary agency
makes a copy of every contract,
of every single contract it makes with a client,
and then puts it in a file,
in the appropriate file,
shouldn't the copy
be in that file?
Yes, I suppose it should.
It should, right?
- Yes. - Right?
Yep, yep, yep, yep.
Unless, of course, it's somehow been misfiled.
Misfiled?
Yes, misfiled.
Sometimes, somebody puts a document in the wrong file,
and then it's misfiled.
It makes it much harder to find.
Who? Who? What do you mean? Who?
I don't know who exactly.
You don't?
No, I don't.
Whoever filed it in the first place, but...
For God's sakes, Peter, I am not telling you one single thing you don't already know.
How could somebody misfile something?
What could be easier? It's all alphabetical.
You just put it in the right file,
according to alphabetical order.
You know, "A," "B," "C," "D," "E," "F," "G..."
- Peter. - "H," "I," "J," "K," "L," "M," "N," "0," "P..."
- Peter! - "Q," "R," "S," "T,"
- "U," "V," "W," "X," "Y," "Z." - Oh, Jesus!
That's all you have to do!
Very good. You know your alphabet.
I've never misfiled anything!
Not once! Not one time!
I'm sure that you didn't.
I want to know, really. Who did?
I cannot possibly tell you that.
You can't?
No, I can't.
And you call yourself a psychiatrist.
It's kind of bright in here, isn't it?
He is so eccentric.
Yes, Mr. Loew?
Actually, she's just leaving, Mr. Loew.
Sure. Alva, Mr. Loew would like to see you.
Come in, Alva.
I hope you're not still angry at me about the other day, Alva.
I apologized and I honestly meant it.
Pistachio?
Yeah, that mescaline. Wow.
Does strange stuff.
I'll never do that again. Jeez.
Yeah, I know. I did it once.
Did you? Did you?
Yeah, just once, in high school.
High school.
Yes. Yes.
Those were the days, eh, Alva?
Yeah.
So. Why...
Why do you have your coat on?
Well, I'm leaving. It's 5:00.
But you know, Alva, you still haven't found that contract yet, have you?
Mr. Loew, there are 15 Der Spiegel files.
It's all I do all day. I mean, I...
But you haven't found it yet, Alva.
Now, don't you think it would be a good idea to stay late?
Maybe work a little overtime?
My eyes are killing me.
Well, I was also thinking today
that maybe you could put somebody else on the job for a while.
Or another secretary to help me out.
I mean, you know, to make the job easier.
Alva,
there is no one else in this entire office
that I could possibly ask to share such a horrible job.
You're the lowest on the totem pole here, Alva.
The lowest.
Do you realize that?
Every other secretary who's been here has been here longer than you, Alva.
Every one.
And even if there was someone here
who was here just one day longer than you,
I still wouldn't ask that person
to partake in such a miserable job
as long as you are around.
That's right, Alva.
It's a horrible, horrible job.
Sifting through old contract after old contract.
I couldn't think of a more horrible job if I wanted to.
And you have to do it. You have to.
Or I'll fire you. Do you understand?
Do you?
Yes.
Good.
Then there's no problem then. Is there?
Don't you want to use your gun, Alva?
Hey.
Here you go.
Hey, man. You forgot your food.
I hate interrupted love affairs, don't you?
How much nicer when the outside world doesn't interfere with the pleasure.
You were so right to put yourself into my hands, Peter.
I'm the only one who can put you out of your misery.
Tell me how much you love me, my angel.
Whisper it to me. Just once.
Please.
Just once.
Oh, just once.
I know you do. I can read your mind, my love.
I can see it in your actions.
You can't get through the day without thinking about me, can you?
Tell me you love me.
Tell me.
Yes.
Tell me how much you love me.
Yes.
Tell me.
I love you.
That was so clever of you. "Mescaline."
How did you ever think of that?
I don't know.
Oh, but why should I be so surprised.
My little literary genius.
I knew you could keep our passion a secret.
Sweet dreams, my angel.
What's that?
Wanna join me?
Well, absolutely, love.
Watch your step.
Come on, now. Don't do that. I have to go to work.
Stop it, now! Come on!
Thank God it's Friday. That's all I've got to say.
All I'm gonna do this weekend is stay home and sleep.
This place is driving me crazy.
Morning everyone.
Good morning.
I wonder what Alva's doing today.
-Yes, Mr. Loew? - Judy, would you send Alva in here, please?
She called in sick today, Mr. Loew.
- Did she? -Yes, she said she had a very bad cold.
A bad cold.
Thanks, Judy.
A bad cold.
My, my, my.
I am not going to work today, Mommy.
My boss is a bastard.
Don't you use that kind of language in front of me.
Well, it's true.
- I hate him. - Yes, "I hate him, I hate him."
What do you think?
That's an excuse not to go to work?
You know how many people hate their boss?
I hate my boss, but do I stay home and cry about it?
I know. Mommy, but you...
Listen, young lady. You can't afford to lose that job.
You'll get no more money from your father and me.
I'll just get another job.
I'm late. Now, get dressed and get your little ass into the city.
- No. - Now!
What are you doing here?
What, Alva? I can hardly hear you through this window.
What are you doing here?
I heard you were sick.
A terrible cold.
I'm calling the police.
The police?
Alva! I'm here to call a truce, man. Look.
I just took a $20 taxi ride all the way up here
so I could tell you I think it was wrong the way I treated you yesterday.
Now, is that an elaborate gesture or what?
Plus, look. Soup!
Hi.
Mr. Loew, I stayed till one in the morning
and I still couldn't find the contract.
Oh, Alva, don't worry about it. It's understandable. Really.
Yeah, but I know how worried you were about losing Mr. Heatherton as a client.
Alva, right now, what's most important is your health.
Well, I'm...
You see, I'm not really sick, Mr. Loew.
It's just that,
really, I was just, you know, afraid to go back to the office
without the contract.
Alva, I had a feeling that was the case.
And that's why I came all the way up here.
Because it's my fault you feel that way.
Oh, no, no, no.
You know, I know you're trying to run an efficient office...
That may be, but some things just take time.
Hey, Alva, the way I feel is, the hell with Frank Heatherton, you know?
If he wants to go to another agency, fine.
So, what do you say? You wanna come to work?
Door-to-door service, Madame. On me.
Truce?
Okay.
Truce.
Just give me a few minutes. I'll be right back.
It's horrible when there are tensions between employer and employee, Alva.
Sometimes the pressures, you know, they just build up.
Wait till you get into a position of authority.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, you know, if I ever do.
You will, Alva. You're a very bright girl.
That's how I know that today, by God,
is the day you're gonna find that damned Heatherton contract.
But, I thought you said that you didn't care
if Mr. Heatherton left the agency.
I mean, I thought you said that everything took time.
But, Alva, that doesn't mean we're gonna stop
trying to do the best damn job we can.
The work's not just gonna go away, Alva.
It never just goes away.
That God damn contract
is somewhere in those God damn fucking files!
Are you all right, Mr. Loew?
Shut up, bitch.
Mr. Loew...
I was supposed to give some money to my brother,
and he works in that gas station over there.
Do you think it's okay if we stop for a second?
Yeah.
Emilio?
- Hey. - Come on to the back.
Hey.
Don't take it so hard, Sis.
"If you got the time to lean, you got the time to clean."
It's the same all around.
Old man Randolph, he throws fits all the time.
Oh, yeah? Well, listen to me, okay?
This guy is very weird. I'm telling you.
You all right, pal?
That's my baby.
Your wife?
15 years, keeps me going.
There is work and there is love. Am right?
You are married man?
Emilio.
Remember this? I want you to give me bullets for it.
Put that away.
- Why? - Are you crazy?
No, I'm not crazy. You gave it to me, right?
Well, then what good is it if I can't use it?
What's good is it'll scare the shit off
if any motherfucker comes close enough to spit on you.
Look, you ain't even supposed to be carrying this thing around.
Please? I'm asking you, Emilio.
Where is that little cunt?
Look.
Randolph don't even keep real bullets in his gun, man.
I know. But what about the robbery?
I mean, when those spics came here to rob?
He scared them off with blanks.
That's all he has here, Alva, is blanks, you know?
Okay, then give me the fucking blanks.
Fine.
$44.50 only.
Fucking cleaned me right out.
Crazy Jesus.
I just shelled out almost $50 to get you back here, Alva.
You better hope you make it worth it to me.
Oh, Christ.
Oh, Christ, where am I? Where am I?
Where am I?
Oh, Christ. Where am I?
Oh, I've become one. A vampire.
Oh, God.
Oh, God, where am I?
You're in the God damn crapper, Loew, and I'm trying to take a dump.
So either shut up and leave the God damn acting lessons for home
or go back to the ladies' room.
Arthur Hesse on 01, Mr. Loew.
Tell him I'm out. In fact, tell anyone who calls I'm out.
I'm in a meeting.
Are you all right, Mr. Loew?
- Tell him I'm in a meeting. -Yes, Mr. Loew.
It's impossible.
It can't be.
It's impossible.
It can't be.
Mr. Loew?
I found the contract.
Mr. Loew, I found it.
Mr. Loew.
Mr. Loew? I found the contract.
I never found the right woman, that's all.
I just... I never found the right woman.
This work and this love.
Am right?
Mr. Loew?
Mr. Loew, I found the contract.
Mr... I finally found...
Well,
it's just too late, Alva.
But why is it too late?
It's too late, Alva.
It's not too late.
Too late.
It's not too late.
- Too late! - It's not too late!
Too late!
- Too late! Too late! - Stay away!
It's too late, Alva. It's all too late, Alva.
- Get away! - Come here! Come here, Alva!
Stay away!
Do it.
- I will. - Do it, Alva. Do it.
I swear to God I will!
Alva, do it or I'll fire you. Do you understand?
Unemployment. Can you live with that?
No, please.
Do it, God damn it!
Please. Don't rape me.
Rape you? I will.
Come on, Alva.
Shoot.
Not the floor, Alva. Me!
Stay away!
Me!
Me, damn it! Help me!
Help me!
Shoot me! Me! Me!
- Don't, please. - You're fired!
Oh, God!
You're with me now, angel.
Hey.
I'm a vampire.
A real vampire.
I'm a vampire! I'm a vampire!
I'm hungry.
Well, well...
You're with me now.
You're completely with me.
You're like me now, my angel.
You know what you have to do.
Alva?
What's the matter with you?
Come on, now. Breakfast is on the table.
Leave me alone.
Alva?
Don't know. She don't want to get out of bed.
She's tired, I guess.
She go out last night?
I don't know.
She didn't get in that late.
She went right into her room.
Alvie?
Alvie, you awake?
Alva?
You all right?
Go away.
Yeah, well, I'll be at the station today, if you want to talk.
Yeah, well, I'll see ya.
Fucking bastards!
We just got these in.
Now, these are fiberglass.
Very lifelike.
See the way they color them.
Just a little touch of yellow, so they blend in better.
How much?
Those are $19.95.
What's the matter?
Do you have anything for less?
Oh, sure.
I got some cheapie. Plastic ones.
They're only $3.50.
Cheapie.
I will take the plastic.
Okay.
Hello?
Hello, Dr. Glaser? This is Peter Loew.
Peter Loew.
Yes, Peter, how are you?
I wonder if I could make my next appointment with you sooner.
I'd really like to make it sooner.
Well, let's see.
My next appointment with you is Tuesday afternoon, right?
I'd like to make it sooner.
I have an opening Tuesday morning. How's that?
Sooner.
Peter, do you have a cold?
A cold, yeah.
Okay, look.
I could squeeze you in on Monday afternoon.
Can you make that?
Sooner.
Peter, is it something very urgent?
Very urgent, yes.
- All right. - Hurry up, honey.
I'll tell you what.
Why don't you come in first thing Monday morning
and I'll come into the office early.
7:30, all right?
7:30.
Monday morning.
That's right.
7:30, Monday morning.
- Hey! - Hey, wait.
I'm sorry.
Very antisocial, Peter.
Extremely antisocial behavior.
My, my goodness.
How ever are you going to continue this way?
Rachel.
Are you actually going to go through with this every night?
I can do it.
I know I can do it now.
I'm like you. Remember?
Peter, you are so pathetic.
This?
I love you.
I'm like you.
You disgust me, Peter.
You're with me.
Don't touch me.
You are with me.
Well, it doesn't look like it. Does it, Donald?
No.
It doesn't appear that way. Does it?
It doesn't appear that way at all.
I love you.
You can't just walk away.
You don't know what you're doing, damn it!
I said I love you.
Hey, buddy!
You don't remember me?
Peter, right?
Yes, right! Peter! Right!
So, how are you?
How am I?
- Get off! - Buddy, calm down.
Let go of me, you fuck!
- You see her teeth? - Shut up!
- See her teeth? - Shut up!
- She's a God damn vampire! - No!
Get out of here!
You fucking cunt!
You're breaking up with me
after I sucked that broad bone-dry!
Look at her teeth, all of you!
She's a God damn vampire! She made me one, too!
Look at her teeth!
She's a God damn vampire!
She made me one, too!
Stay out.
You see, I know I am. I'm a vampire.
I can prove it.
You got a gun? You got a gun?
Get the fuck off me!
No! Don't.
Please. Don't!
Better get back into your coffin, buddy. The sun's almost up.
She was just a fucking high-school cunt.
I don't believe I ever really loved her, you know.
But she's a cunt, a high-school...
No!
The sun!
Christ!
This is the end!
I can't take it anymore!
Go ahead! Kill me!
Hey, what's doin'?
Hey.
Hey, what's wrong?
Oh, God.
Hey, hey.
Hey, now. Hey, hey.
What's the matter, baby?
What's the matter?
Tell me. Tell me.
Tell me what happened.
My girlfriend broke up with me.
I'm a vampire.
Kill me!
Your rosary beads.
Take them out and put the cross up to me like this.
I no speak the English.
The cross! The crucifix!
Me vampire!
Vampire, you idiot. Nosferatu.
Christ!
The tortures of the damned!
Get the hell out of the way.
Are you crazy?
All right.
Just tell me when you see him.
So, I forgot. Where did we leave off?
Well,
Peter, you wanted very much to make an earlier appointment, so what's up?
Well, I've been thinking about my depressions very seriously.
And, frankly, I just don't think you can help me.
I think your profession is entirely bogus.
Entirely. From my point of view, that is.
You really think so?
Yes, I do. I've been spending a lot of money here
and I just think it's time for a change.
A change?
What exactly did you have in mind for yourself?
Don't laugh.
I'm a professional. I don't laugh.
Love.
Love?
Yes, but I mean real love.
The sweep-me-off-my-feet.
The big "L."
What?
No, I'm not talking about fairy-tale love.
I mean, I'm talking about a mature relationship.
What do you think, I'm a kid?
I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking,
"Sure. Let's see him go out in the jungle and try to find love.
"He'll come crawling back here in no time."
I know it isn't easy. But I know it's possible.
Hell, I see it around me every day.
Do you know how horrible it is to see it around you every day?
Do you know what kind of torture that is?
I'll find it, God damn it.
I'll find it for myself.
And then I'll be happy.
Holy shit, then I'll be happy.
You said you wouldn't laugh!
I...
I'm sorry.
I'm only laughing because, well...
If you had told me, if you had just told the good doctor...
The time you could have saved.
The money the both of you could have saved.
Both of us?
What do you mean, the both of us?
You and Sharon.
- Sharon? - Yes.
The patient who comes in after you.
She complains of exactly the same thing you do, and...
Personality-wise,
I think you two are made for each other.
Really?
I should have matched you two guys up a long time ago.
Hey, I think she's here now.
I'll just go and check.
Sharon.
What a beautiful name.
It's incredible.
It's really incredible.
Sharon,
this is Peter Loew.
- Hi. - Hi.
I like poetry, horseback riding,
Vivaldi and long weekends in the country.
Those are exactly the same things that I like.
Wait a minute.
"We walked along, while bright and red uprose the rising sun."
Wordsworth.
Incredible.
I guess you two won't be needing me anymore.
I guess not. Thank you so much, Dr. Glaser.
This one's going to last, I can tell.
It was written in the stars.
Written in the stars, yes.
Hey, do you like Japanese food, Sharon?
It's the best. So...
- Refreshing! - Refreshing!
You see that? We're on exactly the same wavelength.
Fantastic.
So long, Dr. Glaser.
Oh, I almost forgot.
Yes, Peter?
Well, I did rape someone a couple nights ago.
A girl at the office. I just lost control.
It's just a little id release. No use in worrying.
I just thought I should tell you, okay?
It's a load off my mind.
Oh, yeah.
Also, I...
Just spit it out, Peter.
Well, the fact is, I did murder someone last night.
I turned into a vampire. It's a long story.
Goodness.
Peter, Peter, Peter.
People get murdered every day in this city.
Do you think the world is going to stop?
Yeah, I guess, but the police and everything, what if they find me?
Would you stop worrying and just get on with your big romance?
He hasn't even been arrested and the big lug is carrying on.
Now, get out of here, the both of you.
Have a wonderful life together and I will take care of the cops.
Go on. Get out. Both of you. Out. Out. Out.
Thank you very much, Dr. Glaser.
You are a gem.
Come on, Sharon.
You like that tune?
Well, actually, I live up right around here.
You wanna come up? You can join me.
Well, I was born in Philadelphia,
but I've been in New York now for going on ten years.
And what about you?
- Nice. - Here you go.
I hear it's very beautiful country up there.
What?
This?
Well, it's like I started saying before,
I turned into a vampire last week.
It's all in the past now. Okay?
There he is.
No, I don't want to talk about it anymore.
I mean, it's all from a very unhappy period in my life
and I don't want to talk about it.
End of subject, okay?
Sharon...
God damn it, what'd I just say?
You don't let up, do you, cunt?
I mean, you just keep harping and harping
over the same God damn thing.
"Why'd you become a vampire?
"Why couldn't you be normal?"
"Oh, well, Peter, does this mean we can never have children?"
'Cause there's no way in hell
that I would ever, ever marry a loudmouth pig like you.
Christ, you know, ten minutes I'm with you
and the shit just starts right up.
What? Huh?
You hate my guts?
You wanna go home?
You wanna leave? Good. Fine.
Get the hell out of here, you fucking pig!
Leave me the fuck alone!
I really can't handle these relationships.
Maybe I should see a shrink.
Get up.
Get up, motherfucker!
Dream of me, my angel.
Dream of me.
Dream of me, my angel.
Dream of me.